To Our Dearest Little Boy Elliot

The day of Elliot’s funeral will haunt me forever, the image of yet another coffin containing one of my children is an image that is etched on my mind. Take a moment to imagine your worst nightmare and then having to relive it!

How do you write a eulogy for your son? how do you begin to contemplate such a piece of writing, when their life was stolen before you got to know what they liked and disliked, what their favourite food was, what their favourite colour and toys are.

I had no idea where to begin when the end had already happened….

I wrote a letter to my son and this was read by the vicar on the 28th December 2012 at Elliot Harris funeral, from me to him. You may not be here but I will love for you for eternity.

To Our Dearest Little Boy Elliot

On this day before our close friends and family members I write you this letter in an attempt to try and tell you how you have impacted our lives and why I will miss you for eternity.

We will never get the opportunity to tell you all the things mummy’s and daddy’s say to their children, I will never get the chance to tickle you and hear your infectious laughter and I will never get the opportunity to wipe away your tears when you fall over and scuff your knee.

You always kiss your children with such hope that it will cure all the hurt and make you better, when we were together in the hospital for that small amount of time I prayed and I kissed, I kissed your face all over and my hot tears stained your cold cheeks but I prayed your eyes would open, I prayed for a miracle to happen. Instead you lay in my arms, motionless, cold and eyes tightly shut, never to open, and I knew then that this would be my only lasting memory of holding you close.

I spent hours looking at you, drifting in and out of sleep and then I would wake up with a jump and for a split second I would look at you and think everything was alright but as quickly as that thought entered my mind it was replaced with the hurt and pain and the reality of the nightmare I was living all over again, the reality that you were gone and you were never coming back to us… nothing can prepare you for that and I can never explain in words how painful that reality is.

Elliot, where ever you rest my sweet boy I want you to know we were blessed with another amazing little boy whom we will never forget and will never stop loving or wishing things were different, my heart breaks, my body aches, my soul is destroyed beyond repair, but those moments we had were precious moments and if that’s all I was ever supposed to have with you then Ill cherish those moments forever.

Some people believe in fate and that our lives are pathed out ahead of us and inevitable events are predestined by this force called fate, if this is true I am yet to understand WHY, why this has happened to us again, your brothers Louis and Corey gave a brave fight but all too soon their lives were cut cruelly short and now you, our precious Elliot has also been stolen from our grasp… I will wonder and ask myself over and over how much can one family can be tested and for what reason could there possibly be to explain why 3 little boys will never get the chance to live a life with their loving family or get a chance to meet their brother and sisters.

Today is the 28th December 2012 this is the day of your funeral and a day I will remember as the day we were forced to say goodbye. We hope we have done you proud for this will be the only chance we get to do something special for you, for their will be no birthday parties ahead of this day so today I shed tears for it will not be a celebration of a life you have lived but a sad day as we are all join together with close friends and family to mourn the loss of a baby boy, who has touched the life of so many people in ways unimaginable.

Elliot, you should be here being a boisterous little boy, you should be winding up your sisters, Lilly-Ella and Isla, being a little brother to Toby, and you should be here being our son, being a nephew or a grandchild, being a cousin, or just being a friend but most importantly you should be here living and breathing and just being you…

I’m bitter, I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m hurt, and I’m upset, and I fear that I will never be the same person again because of loosing you but I live in hope that having lost you it will make me a stronger and wiser person and together your daddy and I can be the best parents we can ever be..

So Elliot there are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in our hearts, and if grief is the price we pay for loving you then I guess we will l be grieving forever.

So for now Elliot, rest well.

Forever wishing things were different.

All our love forever

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