Strength of Character

strength of character
What defines “Strength of Character”, I am curious about what brings someone to the place of willingness to ask for help? Is asking for help showing the onlookers your weaker side or is it actually defining your strength, being brave enough to ask through desperation I’ve realised that doesn’t make you weak, it makes you strong. Recognition that you may require guidance along your journey is probably the strongest thing a person can do.

For me, I am not mad, but I have that “evil irritating voice”, that is constantly demeaning my “strength of character”, telling me I am not worthy, that I must of been a bad person, I suck, “Jeeze your ass looks fat in that”, and “You’re really going to wear that?” etc, however I’m telling that bitch to watch this space, as I will come back fighting and prove “evil irritating voice” wrong, and anyone else that thought I would fall.

People display strength in all sorts of ways, but lifting a ton weight is very different to ‘living a life full of desperate and dark times and getting up every morning and facing it all over again!’

I always classed myself as a strong person, and I have always been the person that helps others, the person that shows support, talks sense of things, has the shoulder filled with ‘Kleenex’ shoulder pads, the strong independent gal that can offer an unbiased opinion, but now, I couldn’t talk sense of anything, all that comes out is noise that barely resembles the English language, a whole load of bravado and utter nonsense. I have been dealt my fair share of blows and never do I fail to get back up again, I “take it like a man” … and while I’m on the topic!!!!! REALLY!!! …Seriously what a dumb ass saying that is. I’m really not trying to be mean, but if some people didn’t take things in their stride and deal with problems internally, we’d all be a bunch of squealing whining babies, and without sounding sexist there are many women I know that “take it” like a man….in fact probably better than most…. no pun intended..

So for me Character is the most important essence of a person, it defines you and your individuality from everyone else. Strength of character is being able to control your instincts, passions, resist temptations, overcoming prejudices and displaying tolerance, love and respect for all who are deserving and to be the eternal optimist, which is hard to conquer when you are used to a lifetime of knocks and blows that can only be described as a heavyweight fight with life, but I do believe from positive thinking comes positive outcomes, focus on the positives and being pessimistic just creates a defeatist attitude and with that you can’t win any fight! But this is real life and now after many KO’s from my battle of life I have decided that for me you can’t be either, but you can be a leader… a leader of your own life! Below is a phrase I read ….

“A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist expects the adverse wind conditions to improve, but the leader takes action to adjust the sails and ensure that they’re ready to cope whatever the weather.”

….. ‘bravery’, be brave enough to take calculated risks, brave enough to stand up for your beliefs and walk alone if required for an “eye for an eye will only make the entire world go blind”…. and having the power to fuck people over and you DON’T, well that’s when you get to show who you really are….. AND THA’TS STRENGTH OF CHARACTER!

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New Beginning….

crossroad
I haven’t blogged since October 2013 and I don’t know why today is any different, my head hurts, my hands are trembling, my eyes are red and my throat stings as I fight the urge to scream and cry at the same time. Since October I have started a new job, my marriage has broken down and my ex husband and I are strangers to each other, it would of been Elliot’s 1st birthday, it would of been his first Christmas, its was our first Christmas as a broken family, and I have entered in 2014 feeling …. totally broken!

Living in my head feels very messy and cluttered lately, I can’t seem to think straight or rationalise anything properly any more, a new wave of emotions swamp my very muddled mind. Anger, confusion, sadness that cuts so deep I fear nothing will repair my damaged soul!

I’m more lost then I was a year ago, I’m less of woman, less of friend and mother, and the reflection I see in the mirror is staring back at me and I look terrified that I’m out of control, I feel like I am standing at a crossroads with no idea where to go, so now I have to make some choices, some life changing choices to change this destructive path I am stumbling down, but how do you begin to help yourself when you don’t even know where to start. “At the beginning” I hear you say, for if only it was that simple….

Beginning of what? Again and again I have started over, picked myself up, brushed myself down, painted on the lippy and brushed on the mascara, and with a fine set of heels I put my best foot forward and’ keep on keepin on’ only to be thrown off the path again and again. I am left feeling hopeless and utterly overwhelmed about my future. My mind has overheated and I am having real difficulties in communicating what I want to do and how I want to fix myself.

There are obvious times when we consider grief to be a natural reaction to life circumstances like when someone has died or moved away or when an important job or possession is lost or a marriage or relationship breaks down. But grief is not only stimulated by losing someone, grief is also an emotion we feel when someone loses a way of living or a way of looking at themselves which had been a way of life for them. My life has changed so dramatically in such a short time its very hard to come to terms with, and acceptance for what has happened seems like “forever away”.

I have embarked on a journey of counselling and its shaken everything up – my beliefs, my personality, and my sense of reality. After a couple of sessions, it appears I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, this shocked me and naively it was completely unexpected. ME!!! I was always the strong person, the person people come to for help and advice, the fighter, the good time gal that REFUSES to sink….. so I feel weak, downtrodden and defeated.

So I ask myself WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS TITLE I HAVE BEEN given….. I always wanted letters after my name but PTSD was not the sort of letters I was imagining….

I begin to look into this a bit deeper to get an idea of my new “label” and try and work out where this “beginning” is?

My findings were scarily accurate I find myself ticking yes to a lot of boxes and realising the counsellor woman I was so terrified of seeing could be right!!! So do I have vivid flashbacks and a feeling that the trauma is happening all over again…. YES I do… and I fear that it will happen again to my living children.

I cant get the image of Louis, Corey and Elliot out of my head, the image of them and their last moments of life haunt my mind daily, every day I relive the days all three died, when my mind isn’t busy, and I have time to reflect those days are relived and every painful memory is replayed in my head again and again, so I guess that’s why I fill my day with task after task and chore after chore.
Do I have intrusive thoughts and images in my head – another YES, the image of my dead children, is a an image that won’t leave. I see myself as the third person in my head, and I am holding Elliot in my arms as he lays lifeless, kissing his face and sobbing. I’m holding Corey and his tiny premature body so fragile and he bleeds from his nose and mouth and I am sobbing, feeling helpless. The final image is Louis and his last tiny breath he took in my arms and the feeling of utter shock and devastation.

I avoid almost everything about them by keeping busy, avoiding situations that remind me of the days my life changed forever. I feel detached from my emotions that surround the losses of my baby boys, I feel numb and I feel its affected the way I parent my living children. I don’t plan anything too far ahead, my opinion of my future doesn’t feel like it used to, it feels bleak.

I am angry a lot of the time, irritable and often feel aggressive, my concentration is poor and I have become so forgetful, I leave myself notes to remind me of the notes I have already wrote, and I laugh about it thinking to myself ….. AM I UTTERLY INSANE!!! My sleeping pattern is diabolical and I’m awake more than I sleep, but I am tired, I am so tired…. tired of feeling this way.

So I guess this is the beginning….. beginning of a new journey!