I am writing to you; to exercise some ghosts! Three in fact! I feel that you, “Guilt”, have become a part of my psyche, and a part of who I am. I really don’t want to feel like this forever. So I have to find a way of setting you free.
‘Guilt’ I need to be rid of you. I don’t need to be reminded every day of those fateful days, having to feel the pain and relive this tragedy over and over. I wish I could just be me again, a me without “guilt”, but realistically I know that you are just an additional new layer of me and that you’ll never go away, because guilt is what I feel, you are deeply embedded within my very being, your audible in every single heartbeat, your visible in my mindful thoughts, and when I close my eyes, you consume me.
So I guess if I can’t be rid of you I have to learn to live with you…. Now this is the tricky bit! I have to tell you … “Guilt, you’re not easy to live with! …. That metaphorical Idiom “Elephant in the room” is an expression that’s well fitting to how I feel about you!
I have deliberated, rationalised, and I have been counselled by various professionals assisting me on my path with guidance to resolve this torment I hold within. I deserve to be loved, I deserve happiness and I deserve to live my life and not let life pass me by while I spend it being taunted with “what if’s” and “maybe’s”, my children deserve a mother who is focussed on giving them the best I can possibly give, and love them without fear that they will be stolen from my grasp, and my husband deserves a wife that is all of the above and more. So, Guilt, here we are, it is what it is, nothing can change it, but we need to learn to get along before there is nothing left of my soul that’s worth saving, your destroying me slowly, devouring and eating away at what’s left!
I put it to you that from this day forward you need to take a step back, you need to compartmentalise yourself in a safe place deep within, because you need to allow me to breath a breath that doesn’t sting the back of my throat, you need to allow me to look at pictures of my sons without stinging my eyes with acidic tears, you need to allow me to speak out the names of my little boys without wanting to crumble at the sound of the letters as they leave my lips!
If you can agree to the above terms, I will allow you something, something that you need, something that you require to exist within me. I will give you… Time! Once a year, I will allow you time to engulf me and my entirety with ‘guilt’ and we can battle it out between us until the sun sets upon my three baby boys resting place, until the night sky draws close and I am emotionally exhausted and drained from all human emotion.
You have stolen time from me, I am angry, and I am hurt, and because I allowed you to control me, I have missed out on precious time with my children; alive and in spirit, this time that you stole from me and I will never get that back, and if I could, I would make you pay, I would make you suffer like I have, for every second that you took from me. I became a person I didn’t recognise and person I didn’t like and that’s a hard place to recover from.
So from today, I will take control of my “life” and “Guilt”. I’ve survived the worse, so, I have a few more scars, a damaged heart, and a part of me that will never be the same, but I am still me, a slightly wiser and worn version of the old me. I just lost my way, I lost that bit of me, that got up in the morning and stuck my middle finger up to the world and said “bring it on bitch, and give it your best shot”
So from me to you Guilt, this is the deal, take it or leave it, you are now my past, get back in Pandora’s Box and I’ll meet you on the 6th December 2014 at West Street Cemetery, Dunstable.
Until Then…….. F**K YOU!