….I wish I could say all of that and more…..

happy birthday 3rd

To My Dearest Elliot

It’s the 6th December 2015 so what would I say if I could say anything …

‘I love you to infinity and beyond’, is what I would say…. Because all little boys love Toy Story…

‘Happy Birthday’ is what I would say….

…..And God only knows how much I wish I could say all of that and more…..

I wish I could lie with you and stroke your chubby cheeks while you sleep, I wish I could hold you tightly in my arms when you were tired, sad or ill, I wish I could be annoyed with you for drawing on my walls and frustrated with you for peeing in your pants for the 100th time that day.

I wish all of those things and more….

So today your 3 and if you were here it would be your special day, you would wake up so early that the sun would not of even begun to peep over the horizon. We would all be greeted by your chubby face and rosey red pouty grin, and through our gritty eyes still filled with sleepy dust we would all clumber together in one room and sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to you.  You would clap and jump on the spot like a springy toy, and filled with childish excitement you would then turn to Daddy and say “where are my pwezents?, and Daddy would smile and pick you up and spin you around, you would squawk with joy as daddy holds you tightly and lets you walk on the walls whilst you pretend to be Spider-Man, just like your older brother Toby used to when he was 3, you would be yelling and whooping with happiness….

Lilly-Ella would get your presents carefully wrapped for you, you’d bundle over boisterously and without a second thought you begin tearing strips off the presents before Lilly-Ella has managed to even put them on the ground…she would smirk as if knowing that this is what you would do.

Cheering and throwing the paper in the air like confetti, screaming out the name of each toy and immediately starting on the next gift as if taking part in some sort of speed challenge…

A woody………….. some lego………… a hammer………….some more lego…….A teddy ….. a fireman helmint!

People would come and go all day long visiting you on your special day and bringing you more gifts, we would all sing ‘Happy Birthday’ grouped about the birthday cake, a big cake shaped like a digger with 3 large musical candles on… you would blow and blow and blow and the candles just won’t go out so Isla takes over and does it for you.

You eat so much cake, I’ve never seen anyone polish off so much chocolate and keep it down…

After all the cake, you pop all the balloons with your brothers and sisters, jumping out of your skin every time one pops, as if it’s a new sensation. We all look on and laugh, belly like howls of laughter, and as the day draws to an end and you are beginning to get a little fractious for you are so tired and full of cake!

I change you in to a new pair of birthday fleecy pyjamas and we sit together and snuggle, I sing a quiet hum in your ear, a final rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’ and your asleep before I finish the first verse, a soft and comforting snuffle of pleasure comes from you as you visit your dreams, I stroke your head and kiss your cheek and whisper in your ear…. I LOVE YOU TO INFINITY AND BEYOND MY SWEET ELLIOT, SLEEP TIGHT! X.

I wish I could do all of that and more……..

RIP My Sweet Child of 3!

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Lost…

lost path
I hate this path that I am walking right now…Even though I am married and have friends, I feel so isolated and its lonely path to walk, if I am searching for a confidant that has experienced what I have, then its pointless, I’m not saying for one second because I have lost my little twins boys Louis and Corey shortly after their birth and then my dear Elliot to stillbirth that my loss is any greater or any worse than anyone else’s because its not, I’m just aware that no-ones path of grief is the same and what I feel is maybe similar to another grieving parent, but its not the same and when I reflect back to my earlier blog about ‘living in the shadows of the old me”, I realise, know, and accept that I have changed and this is a scary realisation when you thought you knew who you were and what you stood for, I know my husband has changed but I’m still scratching about trying to find this new me and I’m lost in this whirlwind of emotions, opinions, anger and bitterness.

I know what I am NOT any more, I am not tolerant, I am not as forgiving and I am not as optimistically bright and hopeful that life is full of happily ever afters. But knowing what I’m NOT is very different to knowing who I am?

Guiltily, I want to inflict hurt on to people that have hurt me to ease what I am feeling. I know this is not an uncommon thought in times of hardship and grief, to want to do hurtful things, even to those you love. But I know it’s unkind and it’s unfair. I’m also aware that in those times when you feel empty and with NO love to spare, you can be pretty ugly and unbearable to live with. I want to scream out loud GIVE ME A BREAK! I know people grieve at different times and their paths are so very individual. Some accept things far easier, some dwell, and some hold on to the emptiness in their heart where their lost child should be because that’s all you have left.

I feel I need of distance and space. But with distance and space comes a lot of time to reflect and I’m scared of what that will bring.

When you can’t talk to your partner because the pain is too great and anger is the seething emotion that’s taking over all rational thinking it leaves little room for empathy for either party involved.

Dealing with the grief factor in a relationship is both physically and emotionally exhausting, sometimes I think I just don’t have the energy to care enough, because being emotionally exhausted is so draining on all you have to give, when your giving all you got and that’s not enough, when your trying but failing, when you screaming and no-ones listening, when your reality becomes a nightmare you want to escape from. It doesn’t mean the love is gone, just the energy to care. I feel harder than before my tough exterior hardened beyond penetration because if you saw the world through my eyes….. when people get struck blow after blow after blow and keep on getting up, when you give birth to, hold, caress and love three of your children only to bury them all too soon the pain that comes with that is so great and cuts so deep that nothing is comparable. So when your ranting with your mother, father, sister, husband, brother or friend and your called emotionless and hard faced, believe me when I tell you this is not the case it only looks like this because when you have already experienced the worst pain of all nothing else in life can equate to that. The worst has already happened.

I am a survivor of grief and I’m still standing …. JUST!

Time is the Ultimate Healer….or not?

There’s an age old saying that tells us: “Time is the Ultimate Healer.” I have stayed true to this phrase and believed it although lately, I find myself questioning it. What is so magically powerful about “time” that it can heal us? Do seconds, minutes and hours contain a remedy that can be harvested and administered to broken hearts all over the world?

I’ve deliberated and contemplated and my belief is time heals nothing; you just learn to live with the anguish and torment. As the minutes and hours turn into days and the days turn into weeks they then flow into months and add up to years, putting time between the devastation and the future life.

When you reflect the pain is still is real as it was then, only what happens after time is acceptance, and acceptance is key to the word ‘time’ within the phrase “Time is the Ultimate Healer”

What I think happens in the time that passes prior to ‘acceptance’ is sadness, depression, anxiety, shame, hopelessness, anger, bitterness, confusion, jealousy, relief, fear, regret, guilt, abandonment, to name but a few of the rollercoaster of emotions. Grief evokes many thoughts like, “I should have done more,” “I should have known,” “I’m a failure,” “I can’t survive this,” “I’ll never be the same” and so on.

So use your time wisely and spend it healing yourself. Get to know the new YOU the person you become after tragedy and loss and with that acceptance will evolve.