End of Chapter 2014

Good

It has been 3406 days that have passed since the day that changed me and my life forever, 756 days since that soul destroying day when tragedy struck again. 239 days since I began to glue my life back together, 203 days since I visited the graveside of my three boys, a place I still cannot bare, nor can I take comfort from. It has been 189 days since my final counselling sessions and 127 days since my last blog.

It has also been 231 days since Stephen Sutton passed away in his sleep after battling the horrific disease, Cancer. He is an inspirational young man who spoke, lived, and sadly died by the below quote…

“I don’t see the point in measuring life in terms of time. I’d rather measure life in terms of making a difference”

Stephen Sutton – http://www.stephensstory.co.uk/

This young man, heroic without knowing, made such an impact on so many people’s lives with his amazing up beat nature and constant positive attitude, and at 19 years young he touched the hearts of thousands, and the day he died, I shed tears for a young man that I had never met.

It is a heart-breaking, life changing misfortune that my twins ‘Louis and Corey’ lived and breathed, but never got to  live a life of achievements or create a lifeline of memories, it is unbelievably cruel and punishing to think that this disastrous event would happen again 7 years later.

The time elapsing between Louis Corey and Elliot’s births, deaths and today, after a low ebb where solace could only be found in the darkest depths of alcohol and drugs, a pitiful attempt to forget and to numb the pain of guilt, but after plenty of help, plenty of healing, plenty of support from good friends and family my life has found perspective, and some of us are given far shorter lives than others.

I mean; who are we to dictate how long we get to spend walking our paths on this earth?

Who knows when your time is up?

Who gets to say how much time should be spent with our loved ones, children, parents, friends and family alike?

One truly important thing I have realised through all this pain, and one thing I will try to continue to remember, is we shouldn’t dwell, or reside in a pit of bitterness, immersed in sorrow, engulfed with guilt, or whatever emotion is controlling your mind at the time of deep unhappiness. For these emotions consume so much of our negative energy it prevents us from being truly happy and stops us from properly “living”!

It isn’t what we are born with, nor is it what happens to you in life that determines your destiny, it is the choices that we make along the way, it is not our actions that define our person, but it’s how we recover from them.

Your past is part of your present and it shapes your future, it makes you, you! Life can be cruel and I have felt its brutal force, look at it as part of your adventure, that writes the book of your life, we all have a story to be told and the pages of our futures are unwritten, so fill them with memories of happiness, fill them with your story, the good the bad and the ugly but never forgetting that with every bad thing that happens, something good can be found if you look hard enough.

RIP Stephen Sutton, May you rest with the many other young and brave, whose lives have been stolen far too soon, you taught the whole world a valuable lesson.

RIP Louis, Corey, and Elliot Harris you taught me valuable lessons, how to be strong, and never give up, you taught me love like no other love, and you taught me forgiveness. I will for eternity wish that things were different, but I will always be grateful for having had you, held you and loved you and no matter how painful this journey has been, it will be one I will remember with bittersweet memories.

2015 is nearly here and I am looking forward to the future, this is my final post of 2014 and in simple terms When life gives you lemons, make lemonade” I encourage optimism and a can-do attitude in the face of adversity.

Life-Gives-Lemons-6X10-Hoop

Happy New Year.

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Dear Guilt….

guilt
Dear Guilt

I am writing to you; to exercise some ghosts! Three in fact! I feel that you, “Guilt”, have become a part of my psyche, and a part of who I am. I really don’t want to feel like this forever. So I have to find a way of setting you free.

‘Guilt’ I need to be rid of you. I don’t need to be reminded every day of those fateful days, having to feel the pain and relive this tragedy over and over. I wish I could just be me again, a me without “guilt”, but realistically I know that you are just an additional new layer of me and that you’ll never go away, because guilt is what I feel, you are deeply embedded within my very being, your audible in every single heartbeat, your visible in my mindful thoughts, and when I close my eyes, you consume me.

So I guess if I can’t be rid of you I have to learn to live with you…. Now this is the tricky bit! I have to tell you … “Guilt, you’re not easy to live with! …. That metaphorical Idiom “Elephant in the room” is an expression that’s well fitting to how I feel about you!

I have deliberated, rationalised, and I have been counselled by various professionals assisting me on my path with guidance to resolve this torment I hold within. I deserve to be loved, I deserve happiness and I deserve to live my life and not let life pass me by while I spend it being taunted with “what if’s” and “maybe’s”, my children deserve a mother who is focussed on giving them the best I can possibly give, and love them without fear that they will be stolen from my grasp, and my husband deserves a wife that is all of the above and more. So, Guilt, here we are, it is what it is, nothing can change it, but we need to learn to get along before there is nothing left of my soul that’s worth saving, your destroying me slowly, devouring and eating away at what’s left!

I put it to you that from this day forward you need to take a step back, you need to compartmentalise yourself in a safe place deep within, because you need to allow me to breath a breath that doesn’t sting the back of my throat, you need to allow me to look at pictures of my sons without stinging my eyes with acidic tears, you need to allow me to speak out the names of my little boys without wanting to crumble at the sound of the letters as they leave my lips!

If you can agree to the above terms, I will allow you something, something that you need, something that you require to exist within me. I will give you… Time! Once a year, I will allow you time to engulf me and my entirety with ‘guilt’ and we can battle it out between us until the sun sets upon my three baby boys resting place, until the night sky draws close and I am emotionally exhausted and drained from all human emotion.

You have stolen time from me, I am angry, and I am hurt, and because I allowed you to control me, I have missed out on precious time with my children; alive and in spirit, this time that you stole from me and I will never get that back, and if I could, I would make you pay, I would make you suffer like I have, for every second that you took from me. I became a person I didn’t recognise and person I didn’t like and that’s a hard place to recover from.

So from today, I will take control of my “life” and “Guilt”. I’ve survived the worse, so, I have a few more scars, a damaged heart, and a part of me that will never be the same, but I am still me, a slightly wiser and worn version of the old me. I just lost my way, I lost that bit of me, that got up in the morning and stuck my middle finger up to the world and said “bring it on bitch, and give it your best shot”

So from me to you Guilt, this is the deal, take it or leave it, you are now my past, get back in Pandora’s Box and I’ll meet you on the 6th December 2014 at West Street Cemetery, Dunstable.
Until Then…….. F**K YOU!