Another Angelversary 

11 years … Angelversary, birthday, all of which are tainted with such sadness, my little soldiers living without a big brother, my army NEVER being quite complete. 

They’ve created a image of you, what they think you’d be like, what you’d like and how you’d protect them, I trust that this is true. Louis, they will live out your dreams for you so keep watching it will be hell of an adventure. 

I’ll never accept your gone, but I can say that finally, I have learned to live with it. 

It’s been a turbulent journey, ladened with pain, sadness and anger, I’ve had to learn forgiveness, I’ve had to learn to build a strong foundation only to have it destroyed again and again, I’ve had to learn resilience and determination to keep getting up when in my darkest days all I wanted was you and your brothers.

 I wish I hadn’t of had to experience the pain but I’m grateful you came into my life even if for such a small time and for that reason I wouldn’t change a thing.

 I’ll never forget you, my first born! Honestly, how can anyone ever forget their first born! 

Happy birthday up there .. they must of upgraded you to lance corporal by now xxx 

If grieving is the price I’ll pay for loving you, then I guess I’ll be grieving forever. 

Kelly Harris – Mummy to an army!


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The Music of my Life

darknes
I like listening to music; I am often in my car driving back and forth from my children’s school, taking them to afterschool clubs and various trips to supermarkets, the music is always playing in my car and the only way to listen to music in your car is LOUD!! Even my children now holler at me to turn it up if the volume isn’t above 25, My eldest daughter often sings along with me holding her hand to mimick a microphone, often putting in her requests prior to me even starting the car, my son is like a stuck record often repeating over and over the need for another replay of “Gangnam Style” or “My Heart Skips a Beat” by Olly Murrs, and my little Isla who is saying a few words even lalalaaas along to the “Diamonds” song by Rhianna…. The power of music is already visible as the smiles on there faces light up my morning when a song comes on that they like, equally the way they screw up their faces like someone’s wiped ‘dog poo’ underneath their noses if its song they don’t like. So its seems even at the tender ages of 2, 5, and 6 music has the ability to enhance your emotional state.

Music is a medium that can touch your heart and soul, and when you listen to a song and the words just seem as if they were wrote and sung just for you. It’s a special moment finding a song that you can relate to in that way. Does it give you an escape? Create an outlet for your emotions? Make you smile? Or Make you Cry? … for me its ALL of the above and listening to this song by Rhianna this morning in my car oober LOUD, singing along to it on my journey home has inspired me to write this blog and see if me and my followers can compile a music library of songs with a story!!!!!

This is SO where I am right now, listening to words of this song IM TELLING THIS WAS WROTE FOR ME….. Thank you Rhianna…

What Now – By Rhianna

I’ve been ignoring this big lump in my throat
I shouldn’t be crying, tears were for the weaker days
I’m stronger, now what, so I say
But something’s missing

Whatever it is, it feels like
It’s laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror
Whatever it is, it’s just laughing at me
And I just wanna scream

What now? I just can’t figure it out
What now? I guess I’ll just wait it out
What now? Whoa, what now?

I found the one, he changed my life
But was it me that changed
And he just happened to come at the right time
I’m supposed to be in love
But I’m numb again

Whatever it is, it feels like
It’s laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror
Whatever it is, it’s just sitting there laughing at me
And I just wanna scream

What now? I just can’t figure it out
What now? I guess I’ll just wait it out
What now? Please tell me
What now?

There’s no one to call cause I’m just playing games with them all
The more I swear I’m happy, the more that I’m feeling alone
Cause I spent every hour just going through the motions
I can’t even get the emotions to come out
Dry as a bone, but I just wanna shout

What now? I just can’t figure it out
What now? I guess I’ll just wait it out (wait it out)
What now? Somebody tell me
What now?

I don’t know where to go
I don’t know what to feel
I don’t know how to cry
I don’t know ow ow why
I don’t know where to go
I don’t know what to feel
I don’t know how to cry
I don’t know ow ow why
I don’t know where to go
I don’t know what to feel
I don’t know how to cry
I don’t know ow ow why

So what now?………………

I feel strangely empowered by this song, when I close my eyes I feel my energy renewing and gather my strength to get through another day.
These other two songs that touch my heart but for a completely different reason are Fix You by Cold Play and Small Bump by Ed Sheerin.

Louis and Corey my twin boys died in 2005, if you follow my blog you may of ready their story https://3littlestars.wordpress.com/louis-and-coreys-story/ Fix You was played at their funeral on the 19th September.

This song was in the charts early on in my pregnancy with Louis and Corey and I instantly LOVED it … played it loud, windows open and the words touched the very depths of my soul even then. I had an attraction to this song in a way it haunted me, Id get in the car and itr would be the very next song on the radio, if I was shopping for my groceries it would be the song being played throughout the store. So when it came to choosing music to be played at Louis and Corey’s Funeral it was a clear choice because now not only did I love the song but the song now had hidden meaning and each word had a edge of pain to it because the words of the song are poignant and moving and remind me of how I feel when I think of the days when I was watching my babies fight for their tiny lives.

Fix You – by Coldplay

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I…

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

My final addition to this song blog is Small Bump by Ed Sheerin. I still cant bring myself to listen to this song in its entirety as it is just too painful, opposite to other songs when this comes on I instantly turn it off to fight away the unwelcomed feelings that come with it.

This was played at Elliot’s funeral, https://3littlestars.wordpress.com/elliots-story/
Although this song is clearly about a little baby born far sooner that my Elliot is still is a song that I can empathize and resonate with the verse says “I’ll whisper quietly, and give you nothing but truth, If you’re not inside me, I’ll put my future in you” breaks my heart because I spent all night whispering in the ear of my still born son and felt that I would of done anything in those moments for him to breath and if that meant putting my future in to him, relinquishing my life for his than I would of done that in those haunting and unforgettable moments of extreme sadness following his birth, through that night when darkness fell like a dark blanket and the stars twinkled and had more life in them that my stillborn little boy this song was already going through my head and I new already this was Elliot’s song.

The eerie truth behind this story is that even throughout my pregnancy while I was carrying Elliot if this song came on the radio I would turn it off then too, the words to painful to listen to even then. Elliot was alive and kicking life cursing through his veins so WHY? Would this song have such an effect on me then…

Small Bump – By Ed Sheeran

You’re just a small bump unborn, in four months you’re brought to life,
You might be left with my hair, but you’ll have your mother’s eyes,
I’ll hold your body in my hands, be as gentle as I can, but for now your scan of my unmade plans,
A small bump in four months, you’re brought to life

I’ll whisper quietly, and give you nothing but truth,
If you’re not inside me, I’ll put my future in you

You are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
Oh, you are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you’ll be alright.

You’re just a small bump unknown, you’ll grow into your skin.
With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin.
Finger nails the size of a half grain of rice,
And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide
A small bump, in four months you’ll open your eyes.

And I’ll hold you tightly, and give you nothing but truth,
If you’re not inside me, I’ll put my future in you

You are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
Oh, you are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you’ll be alright.

You can lie with me,
With your tiny feet
When you’re half asleep,
I’ll leave you be.
Right in front of me
For a couple weeks
So I can keep you safe.

‘Cause you are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
You are my one and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you’ll be alright.

You were just a small bump unborn for four months then torn from life.
Maybe you were needed up there but we’re still unaware as why.

So here are my songs… share yours too if you wish…..

Living In The Shadows Of The Old Me

grief

Life changes people in all sorts of ways, so why is it hard to accept that grief can change people too. Grief has changed me, it’s changed my sprit. I find myself re-prioritising my life and I know that grief is a journey. The many who have travelled along its path will tell you that it is one that will change you forever. I have toyed back and forth with this and I decided to write it in black and white and tell people how 3 of my children dying has changed me.

 

Diminishing Eternal Optimism

I was the eternal optimist with a desire and expectation for a favorable outcome, always looking at the glass as being half full and wearing rose tinted glasses. I always believed the good in people, believed if you were a good person good things will happen. The harsh reality is that whilst it is important to be a good person this is not enough to protect you from bad things happening the unfortunate truth is bad things happen to good people.

 

Ability To Prioritize

I used to be so organized and now Im absent minded failing to prioritize correctly, my head full of unfinished business, unpaid bills, and an entirety of half written lists wrote in chaotic swirly childish handwriting with bold red ticks next to the items I have actually managed to complete.

 

New Vulnerability

I now feel completely vulnerable, like you’re protected from nothing, the wall I built around myself many years ago, has restored itself to the tower it once was in an attempt to try and preserve what’s left within these walls.

 

Anger

It used to take a lot to make me angry or annoyed and I find myself being irrational and volatile at the smallest of things.  I was raised with my father resembling what was to me this ‘iconic tower of strength’ that didn’t show emotion, didn’t show or express deep sadness, nor talk or reveal pain and hurt. I mirrored this attribute and saw it as a sign of weakness, and this was at my detriment. At 33 years old I find it hard to let go of this and sometimes it has been said, I am seen as the ice maiden, hard faced or cold. Rest assured for this is not the case inside my heart is breaking beyond my control and I will never be the same. Don’t take for granted you know the whole story, judging a book by its cover and read what you want between the lines.

 

Crying years of tears

I find my self crying more frequent than I ever have before and this emotion that overwhelms me just takes over and overspills at the most inconvenient of times. Often stunning me and the people surrounding me at the time, leaving us all at a loss of what to say or do as I weep uncontrollably, like after finishing a run of 5k with my fellow running friends, or as I leave for the morning school run and I’m asked casually “How are you today?”… Oh nooooo the floodgates are opening, my throat begins to sting as I battle the urge to cry, my eyes well up still fighting back the unfamiliar and unwanted emotion to cry…

Annoyance

I find my self annoyed at peoples insignificances where before I had patience, and I would take the time to listen and sympathize, offer advice and nurture. Now I find myself comparing there dilemmas and quandary’s to the deaths of my three little boys, the losses I have endured and the problems grief bring to your life and then I am instantly angered at myself for being so uncompassionate for their predicaments are only insignificant to me because I am hurting to my core, to them the crisis they are dealing with is just as real as mine, its real, it’s a time of difficulty that is relevant to them and requires compassion and patience and above all a friend. I worry I’m not the friend I once was and not that wife I used to be.

 

I question daily is counselling something I require or something I need?

 

I have decided that right now it’s not for me, not yet…maybe one day when I am ready to let go of the only thing I have… my grief. My grief is all I have left of what I have lost and I am not ready to let that go, expel all, reveal the ghosts and set them free.

 

So concluding this blog I say I feel like I am living in the shadow of the old me, the fun carefree, optimistic, patient, and understanding mid thirties gal seems a distant memory. So now I have to work out my new me, how is she different from me, and do I even like her?