#rememberingelliot

happy-birthday-4th

To my dearest sweet little soldier who turns four tomorrow!

In my dreams the years have passed by so slowly but in reality things are very different. Life goes on, time moves forward even when I don’t want it to, sometimes I stand and stare in to nothingness, I close my eyes and just wait for you to meet me in my thoughts as I imagine how you’d be now in this very moment of nonexistent time. Seizing hold of this moment despite everything around me moving at epic levels of speed.

I hope you will be watching us tomorrow as we ritually put up the Christmas decorations to mark your birthday and allow our Christmas to begin. Everyone starts their Christmas on the 1st December, but I can’t, and I won’t ever start my festivities before taking my time to remember you! Decorating the tree tomorrow is significant to me in a way that only you, my son, would truly understand. I can hear your brother and sisters now; squealing with delight at tinsel and baubles  knowing it starts their countdown until they are blessed with gifts, but I will hang each bauble with an edge of sadness knowing I will be one child less, one toy sack with a name on but no presents, one advent calendar short and an empty bedroom.

I don’t know why today has been different, my heavy heart has carried around that bag of guilt like a noose around my neck, and you know that ‘guilt’ and I have an arrangement so you understand why I have to allow it in, I have to let ‘guilt’ have its moment because by allowing it this ONE day, it allows me ‘control’ for the rest of the year and into the next.

To everyone else your birthday is tomorrow, the 6th December, but today will always be ours. For today was your last day, today was the last time I felt you kick in the early hours of the morning, today was the day I spent hours holding my lifeless bump and whispering to your spirit that had already gained flight to stay a little longer because I wasn’t ready to give up… but it appeared you were.

Today has passed in slow motion, I have stared at the clock throughout the day and I can almost recall the exact point in time four years previous. I know enough about grief to understand that this is OK, some years will be easy and some will be hard, but its OK!

We still speak about you all the time, Toby even referred to the empty room as your bedroom the other day and my heart skipped a beat, I miss you so much Elliot. Four years old…and what a four years they have been. Join me in spirit tomorrow my little soldier and  when I stand and stare in to nothingness and close my eyes, come and meet me in my thoughts as I imagine how you’d be now in that very moment of nonexistent time so I can imagine what its like to hold you on your birthday again, and while everything around us is moving at epic levels of speed, I will hold on to that moment and place the angel on the very top of our tree.

Happy Birthday my little soldier, all my love to infinity and beyond

Mummy xx

Corey… 

And so today’s your special day! 

When I think that you’d be just starting your final year of primary school, I get a little choked because I think of all that’s been stolen from us. 

I guess when you fall pregnant with twins not only do you expect to go home with TWO bundles of joy but for them to be born on the same day. You my little man had different ideas from the very start. 

My tiny little bundle of 1 lb 7 oz, entered the world in dramatic fashion, feet first without a squeak or murmur. I remember staring at your tiny pink fragile body in the incubator as they wheeled you off to NICU, so tiny but already such a little warrior.

I talk a lot about that instinct, that instinct you get from your gut! It’s deep in your soul but you don’t know why, but you just know! This sixth sense that writhes around your gut is telling you something and it was telling me that although I had hope and believed in miracles my gut said that Louis, you’re older twin wasn’t going to make it! 

After he passed you literally thrived for about 24 hours, nurses and doctors were praising your strength and I began to believe that my miracle was going to happen, so when you took a turn for the worst and the downward spiral began, that gut instinct that you try to fight against, that you try not to believe in, it took over every positive thought I had and I knew. I knew, that my time with you was going to be short and you were going to be with your brother. Obviously that twin telepathy is a force in itself. 

However when there is life, there is hope and having already lost your brother, hope was all I had to hold on to, and despite my dark gut instinct, when you took your last breath, you took half of my heart with you! The shock and disbelief overwhelmed me and my long torent journey of grief began.

11 years on. I’m not over it, but I accept it, and for the first time in years, although I know what the day is, and although I prepare myself emotionally for the onset of emotions, I can wake up, I can open my eyes and stretch, breathing in the new day without pain, hurt and anger being the first thing I think of.

So my sweet tiny soldier, wherever you are and whatever you are doing remember to keep watch over us, because your always spoken about with fondness and love. Happy Birthday Soldier!! 

I hope my two little ‘Lance Corporals’  are having a day AWOL from your angel duties. Miss you forever – love you always. 

Happy Birthday Soldier! 

Love always – Mummy xx 

Another Angelversary 

11 years … Angelversary, birthday, all of which are tainted with such sadness, my little soldiers living without a big brother, my army NEVER being quite complete. 

They’ve created a image of you, what they think you’d be like, what you’d like and how you’d protect them, I trust that this is true. Louis, they will live out your dreams for you so keep watching it will be hell of an adventure. 

I’ll never accept your gone, but I can say that finally, I have learned to live with it. 

It’s been a turbulent journey, ladened with pain, sadness and anger, I’ve had to learn forgiveness, I’ve had to learn to build a strong foundation only to have it destroyed again and again, I’ve had to learn resilience and determination to keep getting up when in my darkest days all I wanted was you and your brothers.

 I wish I hadn’t of had to experience the pain but I’m grateful you came into my life even if for such a small time and for that reason I wouldn’t change a thing.

 I’ll never forget you, my first born! Honestly, how can anyone ever forget their first born! 

Happy birthday up there .. they must of upgraded you to lance corporal by now xxx 

If grieving is the price I’ll pay for loving you, then I guess I’ll be grieving forever. 

Kelly Harris – Mummy to an army!